Journal de annmarie1987, 16 juil. 21

Hey Mrs! just thought I'd send u a wee hug, got a weird feeling u need it today? 🤗❤️ 

Thank you so much. I did so much has happened in the last week or 2 I dont know if I'm coming or going. How are you? Xx 

I'm ok Annmarie, thank you, nothing I can't handle,,I was scrolling through, seen ur post and my psychic senses pinged ...I hope ur ok!? Is someone not well? You don't have to say, it's just the feeling I'm getting, like someone's got a hospital visit?  

Not that I know of but I've not really spoken to anyone. Gone a bit reclusive xx 

Are u ok? When I hide away, because I don't want to burden anyone or let them see me that way, I don't realise that im shutting them out and it's probably when I need them the most...please don't sit yourself wee Mrs, and I'm on here every day to send u loves ❤️❤️❤️ 

I'm really not ok. Everyone I loved left or hurt me and I'm staying away from the people I have left because I feel like the same will happen again. I'm in shock I think something set off my ptsd and I dont know how to stop feeling vulnerable and scared. My kids are keeping me going but I've questioned where I belong in everyone's life and if I'm good enough. Sorry to off load just a bad few weeks and I will get back up again. Sometimes being quiet shows us alot xx 

hang in there, some of us are listening  

(Some of us are reading, relating in some way and wishing all gets better) 

I get it...I struggle daily with 'not punishing new people for old people's mistakes', I find it difficult to trust anyone and to open up, I would sooner push them away first before they could hurt me and I only let people in a certain amount then the wall goes up, if I don't tell them anything they can't use it against me.....but this is no way to live and actually lets them win. It's NOT your fault that they have been cu**s and good liars, that's on them, their karma. Being open, honest, vulnerable, taking people at face value, believing in people...these are all GOOD qualities to have Annmarie and don't let anyone tell you any different. From what I know, ur a good person, a good mum, kind hearted, caring, genuine, you most definitely ARE enough...if anyone can't see that...it's their loss!! ❤️🤗❤️🤗Please give your doctor a wee phone tmro x 

Annmarie, you are of course good enough, and you do belong in everyone you know lives, they need you, like you need them, You know your kids will have unconditional love for you and need you, we all at certain points feel vulnerable and scared, these are just normal feelings ,it’s ok to feel like this, as Isabelle said, we are listening to you, you are not alone. 

I think it's time to bite the bullet and try meds. This feels like a failure to me not because I'm against them but because I've been through so much and been ok. Hospital want me on them. Not really spoke to my doctor. I've had a shock/trauma on my sister anniversary of passing that pushed me from being ok to not being. I cant stop crying. Hiding away, blanking phone etc. I got passed all that so shows how bad its become. Thank you all so much. We do all get vulnerable and this year all I've done is get help try make myself better and getting kicked when I do but it wont always be this bad. Really appreciate all the kind words this app has been amazing for the last few years xx 

Dear Annmarie, so much of what you have written resonates with many of us. It sounds like you have been very strong for a long time. But even the mightiest rock eventually erodes and crumbles. Admitting you need more help/meds is the opposite of failure. It is true courage 🤗🤗 

Try and stop hiding yourself away, or blanking your phone, definitely go and see your doctor, even if you just unload all these built up feelings and get them out, that will certainly not be a failure, that’s what success looks like, seeking help when we need it, you’ve obviously been through a lot, so need that extra help now, that’s ok! We all need help sometimes. Am gonna have my fingers crossed for you, take those first steps, Good luck 🤞🏻 

Annmarie this is not failing AT ALL,, this is you being so brave and strong, facing it head on and dealing with it, not only for yourself but because you ARE a good mum and doing it for your kids too,,"happy mum, happy house." This is not forever, it's just a wee bit of help to get you back on your feet,,proud of you!❤️ 

Yeah need to see it the same as mediating etc. I have a book I'm meant to read for the hospital and I cant get passed my diagnosis page a s I need to to get better same as not calling the doc. They are great but to break in front of anyone is hard but needed I guess. Your all amazing and the support is great and to know it's ok we all have times like this xx 

Annmarie I have a prescription for meds too waiting for me .. I have been avoiding it for 2 months now. I try to channel whatever I can to exercise..it works sometimes. If you can’t get back on your feet , give them a go. Surely they will make you feel better and you won’t need them for too long as you are strong. Even the strongest ones need a bit of a push sometimes 🙂 

I've tried walking and I mean miles I cant shut off I'm exhausted. Anything has to be better than this feeling. I've had them before only short term to get passed things. I should be writing in my journal I had cbt and she said track days, moods see what sets it off etc learn what's a blip and what's not but I stopped. She said traffic light system not huge pages just little bit so be smiling face, green day is good and why. Straight line face, maybe good and bad is amber. Sad face red and put why and shows a pattern can also show not all been bad. I was doing that but binged got bad and I didnt want to log that when I didnt need to it doesnt have to be eating etc just mood general day. The panic attacks in my sleep have started again since I stopped. Maybe that off loading at night was working xx 

I hope you keeping well beautiful young lady 

I was told years ago "if you can't talk,,write", keeping a wee notebook at the side of ur bed does wonders, I'm a single parent too and when uv only the 4 walls to bounce things off and No1 to offload to...a journal is the next best thing,,it's horrible when ur body is soo tired but ur brain just won't stop turning...negative and obsessive thinking...Try going to Alison Courses online, there are a few free courses on CBT that might help or download Woebot from Google Play, it's a wee chat bot to check in with and track ur moods, it a great wee app,is used it quite a bit. I hope u managed to get some sleep last night Mrs and feel a bit better today ❤️❤️ 

Hope you’re feeling a bit better today, and know you have a lot of support here.