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Its Wednesday.
And so far this week, I have learned how hard it is not to fall back into the diet mentality.
On Monday afternoon, I went a good four hours without food. I was busy and pressured while running errands and did not want to eat. My brother had a doctor's appointment to be taken to at 3:45, and at 2:30, my mom sent me out to go to the bank and deposit money, then drive to the opposite side of town to pay a bill, then drive to the furthest part of town from our house to pick up his labs, and then I had to be back home by 3:30 to pick him up and take him. I was so stressed, and I ignored all the signs that I was 'crashing'. I had a headache, started shaking, and felt like panicking.
My fiance called me when I hit heavy traffic, and he could tell there was obviously something wrong. When I told him what my mom had put on me in the last minute, I finally started crying. This was when I realized, "Oh my god, this is ridiculous. My moods are so unstable. I'm exhausted. I need food," and I stopped at a gas station and bought a kashi roll/bar-thing.
The diet mentality had told me that I didnt need to eat until 5, which is the usual time I have a snack a couple hours before dinner.
Its very difficult for me to honor my hunger when I am afraid the extra calories will make me gain weight.
But if I do not honor my hunger, I end up binging at night, and I am positive that I gain weight when I fall into that habit again.
Thank god I am finally seeing a nutritionist tomorrow. She is the same one who just sent me pamphlets, but thats okay. I hope I have a chance to explain everything to her, including all of my accomplishments, fears, worries, mistakes, and future goals.
And I hope she can help me understand how this happened, and help me figure out what healthy eating should be for me.
My fiance and I have talked countless times about how my house is run, and he has urged me to leave even before we started going out. I am very biased because I love my family. So for years, I have not minded that I took on the full time roll as the mother.
So many of you have read and commented on my journal, and blessed me with your kind words, and honest advice. (And I am very thankful. I truly, truly am!) So I am sure, as you read, you have to wonder exactly what the statistics are of this situation.
Well, here are the facts; here is (a shorter version of) how I got here:
My dad taught me how to make my mom a sandwich at 3 years old. I started taking care of my family at around 8. I was changing my youngest brothers diapers, and by 10 I knew how to cook with my mom's supervision. My dad was in the navy, so since he was always gone, I took on the roll of the second parent alongside my mom.
From the time I started high school, until I graduated, my mom began to do less and less of the things mothers are supposed to do.
When I came home from school, I would have to clean, cook or run errands with my mom instead of doing homework. Although, in my junior and senior year, I decided to take college classes at night to get the hell out of my house as often as I could. In January of 2007, I got my CNA certification, and I had planned on continuing to community college that fall for my LVN license, which would have only taken an addition six months for me to complete. I had all my prerequisites done and was ready to go. I was offered a job as a nursing assistant right after I graduated high school, but I could not take it because my parents said it was too expensive for gas. I said I would pay them, but then it turned into a matter of being too 'inconvenient' to drive me to work. I remember my mother promising me that later that year, i would be able to get a job. From June of 07, until now, my mom has just stopped being a parent, basically.
My parents allowed me to get a job as long as it was close enough to walk. so I worked at a local car wash as a cashier for three months, and then I worked for zales for five months. My mother ended up 'borrowing' all my savings. She has not paid me back. Then in march of 2008, my mom went into the hospital, got very sick, and had some injuries that made it difficult, but not impossible, for her to be left by herself. My dad had to leave just a few days after she got out of the hospital, so they told me to quit my job so I could take care of my mom all the time. At that time, after taking the fall of 2007 off of school because my dad was not home to register for my VA benefits, I had finally gotten into just two classes for the spring semester. She would not take me to class, and would not let me use the car to go to class. Essentially I had to drop out of school and quit my job to take care of my mother and do everything she did not want/or could not do. So as of april 2008, I am unemployed and out of school.
My mom had gotten so big from around december 2006 until she had her surgery earlier this year, that she couldnt move around and do things. She basically let herself go, sat around and ate junk food all the time, and told me to do all of the motherly responsibilities.
Now that she has lost some weight, she can move around, walk and do things, but I see she only does what she wants to, and makes me and my brothers do the real work.
My fiance hates my parents. He's never met them face to face, but he knows how things are done in my house from everything i have told him and everything he has heard or seen. He's been on the phone with me when my mom has yelled at me and treated me terribly. He wants me to move out as quickly as possible.
He says that I cannot function here. He says I will not succeed here, especially with my eating. He says my mom doesnt really give a shit about me or my goals. He says i am 20 years old, and should be doing 20 year old things, like going to college, spending time with friends, or hanging out with him. I never see him because I do not have time. He tells me I shouldnt be a mother to my brothers.
He is right. It has taken me a long, long time to see things for what they really are.
I do believe my mom cares for me, and loves me. But it is in her own selfishness. Its not for me. If she cared, she would have listened to my dad and I when we told her a whole box of fucking drumsticks ice creams was enough. Or that I didnt need to go to McDonald's at two in the morning for her. Or she would have taken my brothers to school.
My parents have always been overprotective of me, to a point where it has hindered me. I have no 'real life experience' as my fiance puts it. They do not want me to leave, and a few days ago my mother confessed it. This doesnt worry me though. I know how to take care of myself. Hell, I have been taking care of people almost all my life.
Its unfair that I would have/could have/should have been an RN by now. I am finally angry about it. Does it sound stupid for me to say that I believe my mom did that and did a whole lot to make sure this didnt happen so that someone would be there for her? Does it make me bad person that for once in my life, i am being selfish and I want what I want from my life?
I believe you are all right, Carol, Dawn, Starladesiree, and red stook.
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1582 kcal
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Gras: 40,17g | Prot: 105,78g | Glu: 221,06g.
Petit Déjeuner: max protein, trail mix, kashi hot cereal. Déjeuner: baby carrots, lean ground turkey, apricot, celery. Dîner: rice pilaf, almond accents, deli sliced turkey, celery. Snacks/Autre: trident gum, roasted edamame, banana chips, grapes, kashi roll, apple, max protein, banana. plus...
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