Feeling like I need to journal. A thousand and one things floating through my mind...and aside from my loving hubby (who is sleeping at the moment), I have no one to talk to!
That seems to be at the heart of the issue. I am feeling sad, and out of sorts these days. Part of it, is this is the time of year - that 3 years ago, I had to drop everything in my life - jump on a plane, and spent the next 4-5 months in Alabama.
Both of my parents got progressive very ill at the same time. My Dad died in May of 2008, and my Mom underwent her second heart-valve transplant, then just before his death, suffered a major stroke.
To say the least, my world was turned upside down.
I lost my job during this time. (worked for a very small start up company) And they just could not afford to keep my job open for me. Once I had been there for about 4 weeks, and my Dad had passed away, my Mom was in ICU after the stroke - and I was faced with planning his funeral - they called to say they just couldn't wait any longer and had replaced me. (literally, the day after my Dad died.)
Well, the good part of that is I was now free to stay in Alabama, and take care of my Mom. I have two sisters and a brother - and although they came while Dad was dying, stayed through the week and the funeral, ultimately they all had to say goodbye and head home to their own respective jobs.
I never thought when I got on that first plane that I would be gone for 4 1/2 months... but then no one ever does! Life just happens, and you have to deal with it.
I knew when or if my Mom ever got out of the hospital, rehab, and more rehab, ... she would never be able to live alone again. So, my hubby and I decided to renovate the downstairs Den in our home and turn it into a bedroom suite for my Mom. By the end of August my Mom was finally being discharged from Rehab, and cleared to travel by car. She was really in sad shape back then. Barely able to walk, using oxygen, a Bi-Pap machine, Nebulizer treatments every 4 hours, un-Godly amounts of med's ... Just thinking back to that move makes me chuckle. It took us 6 days to drive from Alabama to Massachusettes. (two years later, when my Mom was much stronger and off all that stuff, we traveled back to Alabama to visit her sisters... and that only took two days!) She can no longer fly... ever... so we are limited by car.
Any way... the main reason I am feeling so sad - is because I was thinking back to getting on that first plane, just days before my Anniversary - days before a planned Surprise Dinner Event for my husband. I had planned a surprise party to celebrate - as he was graduating from 5 years of night school, it was his birthday, and our anniversary! (mostly the party was for his school accomplishments.)
38 people as guests in my girlfriends home. Catered. Live Entertainment. The works. And I missed my own party. My husband and kids went - (it was all paid for - as I left just 2 days before the party) - and it was still a surprise and everyone had a great time. But it dawned on me this past week as I was thinking about it, that besides my husband and kids... not ONE person has remained in my life since I brought my Mom here to live with me.
I am close friends with one woman here in my world, and she is the mother to 4 teenagers! We see each other almost daily at my 17 yr olds school, visit, chat, etc... but rarely get the opportunity to ever do anything together. Very rare. So we are close. But boy do I miss having 'girlfriends'.
Either everyone else is at work during the day, or their family lives are so busy etc, we've just slipped away from ever seeing each other... but there were 3-4 'close' friends at that party, including the woman whose home it was hosted in... and I have never even heard from them since coming home with my Mom.
They all used to attend the same church as my husband and I, and during the time I was gone, these same 4 couples left the church. Each at different times, for different reasons ... but never to be heard from again.
It's odd. I went from having a full life w/ my family, a good job, personal girlfriends I would do things with, couples my husband and I would go out and do things with... to nothing, no one... it's as if I got on a plane and 4 1/2 months later everyone I knew had just ceased to exist. (not really, just what it feels like.)
I don't want to be hurt about it. Or angry. It is what it is... and while I am not looking to re-connect with these people, I would like to have 'friends' in my life. I miss that. I feel isolated here at home w/ my Mom, day in and day out, and a lot like the Mom of a toddler again. That new Mom feeling where you have no one 'adult' to talk to all day... then yack your husband's ear off the minute he walks through the door! LOL!!! Been there, done that! And really don't want to be doing that again at this time in my life.
I can't really go back to work, I need to be home w/ her during the day - she needs help to get dressed, can't cook for herself, etc... and I can't afford to hire someone in 5 days a week.
Just needed to vent! Who knows what the future holds, or even how long my Mom will continue to do well. Perhaps I can focus on my hobbies, or exercise, etc... but I get lonely.
I think that might just be why I come here almost every day. I get to connect with real, loving, kind, human people!
Thanks for your support! Much Love.
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![](https://m.ftscrt.com/static/images/box/membersicon.gif) Commentaires
You are in a difficult situation for meeting people. This happens a lot with young women who leave their jobs to have children. I lost a group of "friends" when I got divorced, and then again when I moved. Staring over can be difficult. I strongly suggest you find some way to get out of that house, even for a day a week (don't know your finanacials but there are agencies who provide adult home care). You need to take care of yourself mentally as well as physically!
30 avr. 11 par le membre: BuffyBear
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PS - You are a sweet and loving person who has a lot to offer. Anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend. But sometimes you have to take the first step.
30 avr. 11 par le membre: BuffyBear
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You and your family are certainly in my prayers. While I certainly don't have anything to compare it to, I can certainly say it sounds difficult. I lost a parent while I was in college, and that is so hard in itself; I cannot fathom having to leave my life for months at a time during that whole process. That is such a kind-hearted thing you did. Getting out of touch with people is never easy either, especially when it's all at once. I was talking with someone the other day about how we've noticed maintaining friendships is much harder after college - even with people who live in the same city as you. It takes a lot more effort; it's not like you just live down the hall or have classes together. I can only imagine how much harder it gets once you have a family, and those connections are so valuable. I wish you the best, and I hope that venting at least helped as much as venting can. Sending love and prayers your way :)
30 avr. 11 par le membre: dadams10
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That is certainly a lot to handle. I can relate to this on some levels but certainly not all. I just moved out of state last August and got married. I really have no girlfriends here in Iowa. My new husband's family is very supportive but I don't have friends here. I, too miss being able to call up a girlfriend and meet for a quick lunch or trip to the quilt shop. I know it will take time and I am trying to be more sociable and make the first call. I've found a church and am slowly meeting folks there. And I've found FatSecret! Like you, I rely a lot on the folks here for support and encouragement that I probably would've gotten from my girlfriends in Michigan. I believe it is just a life stage. We will both eventually meet new people to fill that void. In the meantime, I do know that loneliness is painful. But you are doing the honorable thing in taking care of your Mother and I know you WILL be blessed. Hang int here, my Friend! Your season is right around the corner!
Blessings,
Sherill
30 avr. 11 par le membre: Sherillynn
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Paula, you and I could be sisters in that respect. I too have no one except a cousin inlaw that we may go out once every blue moon. She is busy
with her new grandaughter and she just lost her mom and was traveling every weekend to a nursing home some miles away for 6 years. I do have my
cows. And My husband is on the phone with all his friends and family all
the time. And I can't get a word in. So like you my friends are here and
I am proud to say your one of them. Thanks so much for being here.
Much love and Hugs to you............Bren
30 avr. 11 par le membre: BHA
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Ladies, thank you so much for your kindness! Not all together sure why - but frumpy and I don't get along well together. So, when I feel frumpy... I try to get it OUT of me as soon as possible. Journaling helps alot! So thank you for loving me back :) Totally appreciated!
30 avr. 11 par le membre: jsfantome
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Oh and Paula you know I took care of my MIL for 18 years and the last 8
were the worst of her years here. I had to quit taking care of her as I
was going mad. Her 4 daughters would not help at all......Bren
30 avr. 11 par le membre: BHA
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You have made so many sacrifices over the yrs. And you are right; it is unfortunate how "dear" friends can float in and out of our lives. It makes one's heart sad to see that there are empty places where once another was standing beside you. Know that I love you and am extending my hand, my heart, my prayers and friendship. I love you Paula.
30 avr. 11 par le membre: Evie1010
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Bren - thank you! and funny thing... I've been thinking a lot about getting some chickens! You with your cows... and now me w/ my chicks... but I couldn't kill them and eat them, and my husband is insisting that would be a prerequisite to him saying yes! Oh, brother!
30 avr. 11 par le membre: jsfantome
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Paula, I believe that being able to care for our parents is a blessing. Not everyone has it in their heart and soul. And I believe you'll receive countless blessings in return. Many hugs to you. You are a wonderful person and an inspiration to so many of us here on FS.
30 avr. 11 par le membre: Helewis
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Evie - thank you too! Truth betold, I have made sacrifices in my life. But I have always - always - counted them a choice, and a blessing. From kids, to jobs, to family etc... I've made some great choices in my life! And this one is great in its own way, and with its own blessings. My heart is just feeling a little trudged upon. I have never liked unresolved issues in my life. Good, bad or indifferent, I like issues to be settled. Talked out. Emotionally resolved. This is one of those areas that I have reached out to some of these people, the ones I was closest to... and have gotten no response in return. Stings even more after the second or third time. Just not sure what frightens them about maintaining a friendship with someone - but I have had to have more than a good cry or two, and then get on with my day. The Lord knows, ... and I certainly do not... why some of these friendships have ended, but I am grateful for the life I do have. Grateful for the opportunity to have friends like you, and thank you for loving me back!
30 avr. 11 par le membre: jsfantome
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thank you Heather! I believe also! Much Love.
30 avr. 11 par le membre: jsfantome
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