Journal de Annisworkingonit

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09 septembre 2024

Morning FS friends

Still muddling along. Figured I'd update last weeks weigh in no matter how ugly it was. Avoiding doing so doesn't change the result. This weeks is a bit better.

Would love to say I'm staying on track, but that's not the case at all. Finding now that it's getting dark earlier, evenings stretch like an eternity. Going to bed at 8PM isn't an option though much as it calls to me 24/7.

Am fighting with carbs and peanut butter still. Much as I think I've got a handle on things, I find that I don't. 60 years of turning to food for comfort especially now, is a really hard behaviour to break. Am I hungry? No. Empty? Yes. It is a vast soul emptiness, one devoid of anything remotely resembling joy, purpose, future plans, hopes and dreams that is my life at the moment. I've always lived a purpose driven life so limbo is a weird place to be until I find purpose (and the will to execute it) again. Almost a case of hurry up and wait...but for what? This bleakness needs to be overcome. Thanks to my the furbabies for providing structure to my days. Dreading winter though as both the furries and I benefit from our daily walks.

It would likely be a bit easier if I had any family, or even a social network or a job. But I don't. Where retirement was full of opportunities and plans it now looms ahead - alone and adrift. Not stable enough at the moment to volunteer either as tears come unprovoked and the last thing seniors in long term care need is a middle aged woman bawling.

Suck it up buttercup.

This too will pass.

Rebuild, learn, grow, adapt.

One day at a time.

PS Morticia, still need to post pics of my two ancient cats. Mayhaps soon.

Over and out

Poids:	Perdu jusqu'à présent:	Reste à parcourir:	Régime suivi:
70,0 kg	49,7 kg	6,5 kg	Mal

(2 commentaires) Perdant 1,0 kg par Semaine

04 septembre 2024

Good morning FS friends,

So my eating is back to program. Yay. At the moment it is the only thing I can control, so I will. Would love to get to goal by June of next year. At this point it is a slow slog. 1/4 lb a week is a win. Even maintenance is a win. Never thought that being normal weight was a possibility, and yet here we are. Now the goal is to get to mid range normal BMI and build some more muscle mass.

Took my 20 yo cat Angus to the vet this morning to get his monthly arthritis shot. Poor old guy. He hates the crate and car ride. With hyperthyroid and hypertension he's a bonerack at this point. Takes his pills beautifully when tucked into dabs of liverwurst though. Wish Miss Oscar would be so accomodating as she was recently diagnosed hyperthyroid as well. She licks the liverwurst and leaves the pill behind. Have to manually pill her and have the claw marks to prove it. Dear sweet girl.

From 17lbs when he came to me 17 years ago, to 6 lbs now. Not expecting that he'll be with me much longer, but he's still eating and talking and moving (not fast). As long as he carries on as he is doing now, his time hasn't come quite yet. Admittedly I wake each day and wonder if I'll find him expired as he does sleep alot. Then again, most cats do. Will post a picture of both Angus and Oscar later today or tomorrow.

It's odd how life goes. 4 of my 5 rescued furries are seniors now and I had every expectation that 2 or more would leave me for the bridge this year. Never in a million years did I think that the middle aged human man would be the first to leave us. Our long long term plan included being roomies in long term care when we reached that stage of our lives. Granted, I'd much rather age in place here by the river as my 96yo neighbour is doing.

We had a great walk today with the pups. Now they're pooped and I'm off to mow the lawn.

One day, one step at a time

Over and out

(1 commentaire)

02 septembre 2024

Good afternoon FS friends

Not weighing in today as it would only add to the burden of an already heavy heart. That being said, back on track today and going forward. September at work was always our time to set new objectives. Sort of like the beginning of a new school year...new beginning, new goals. And so, I've decided to make a conscious effort to rebuild my routines too.

The littles and I went for a 5k walk today. Many stops and starts to sniff along the way (them, not me). They are loving the new routine. Are they stellarly great on leash? No, but getting better. My oldest guy Ozzy struggles a bit. He has cancer and we live day by day, he does enjoy the outing. Saw a dead opossum on the trail. Sad. They are great little tick munchers and much needed in our ecosystem.

The lawn bowling dinner was interesting. Got there before my friends did, didn't know a soul, but managed to socialise nonetheless. The beauty of a much older demographic is that many of them have already walked the path I'm on at the moment and have successfully come out the other side.

A NSV of having lost a significant amount of weight is how helpful middle aged men are when you're shopping at Canadian Tire. I was looking for a tire inflator (portable one) to pump up the tires on the boat trailer and my lawn tractor as needed. This employee gives me "the look". Ladies, you know the one...top to bottom and back up again. Can't say that I've personally ever had it happen in my life before, but certainly a pleasant change from the invisible fat person of the past. He took me around the store from automotive to sporting goods. Did we find what I was looking for? Nah. But having help like that was certainly a novelty. Not being invisible, another novelty.

And so life goes on

Over and out

(6 commentaires)

02 septembre 2024

Poids:	Perdu jusqu'à présent:	Reste à parcourir:	Régime suivi:
71,0 kg	48,7 kg	7,5 kg	Mal

Ajouter Commentaire Prenant 1,5 kg par Semaine

31 août 2024

Good afternoon FS friends

And so the days pass. Would love to say I've been entirely on track with food intake but I have not. Evenings remain my downfall. Not even hungry, just trying to numb out. Last night was rice thins. Lesson learned, just can't have that stuff in the house at all. Ah well. This too shall pass.

Continue on the rollercoaster of grief. Having some passable days where tears aren't so close to the surface, and others like today that just plain suck. I think it is a Saturday thing. John passed 11 weeks ago today, Memorial was 3 weeks ago. Whatever the root cause is, I'm not enojoying it at all but also recognise that time, gieving and the process of rebuilding the new normal is part and parcel of this journey.

The finality is finally sinking in. You would think that would be obvious, but it isn't. The boat that I bought just a short year ago for our use, will be leaving next week. She is of a size and weight that was fine to be towed by Johns honking huge truck. My 13yo Rogue? Odds are the boat would be towing me instead. I was early on in the process of learning how to launch it, run it, so even with a marina slot, just wouldn't be comfortable doing this alone. Found a good home for her. Won't recoup the cost, but so it goes. We had fun whilst we had her and were both able bodied. Good memories. I see her each day when I wake and she just causes pain now. That spot in the driveway is better filled with 20 yards of triple mix to distribute in Sept/Oct into the yard.

We had so many plans for boating this spring, then of course the cancer diagnosis and treatments started. So our plans changed as we were going to celebrate the rest of the summer on the water after July 22nd when treatments ended. Yah. That didn't quite work out as planned. As John Lennon wrote "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". (love the song Beautiful Boy)

Went to a concert last night - Howard Jones from the 80's British invasion. It was a bit of a distraction, but I got tired as am not sleeping well so left before the concert ended.

Today, I'm off to an end of season lawn bowling dinner as my friends +1. Another distraction and it'll get me out of here and out of my head for a bit.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Over and out.

(6 commentaires)

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