Journal de Annisworkingonit

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27 juin 2024

Good morning FS friends

Woke up feeling better today. Likely a transient state of being, but as I look at my garden and the sow weed that persists, there is work to be done and it will soothe my soul digging that stuff out. I am so far behind and physical output will help with sleep. Don't want to take sleep aids forever, only to get through this hump. Victims services reached out (the police referred me). I will be talking to them today hopefully to get some coping strategies as John's last minutes were gruesome, his poor body baking in the son a disgrace, and clean up..let's just say that despite hours of powerwashing, when the right humidity and sun hits, blood still seeps up through the ashphalt. I'm struggling with flashbacks and the horror of it all and if they can direct me as to how to get rid of the infinite loop that plays in my head that will surely help.

Have to take my ancient cat Angus in for his arthritis shot this morning and my friend in the region has scored more casino comps so we'll be seeing the Clairvoyants. When John passed I called her to let her know what had happened, she had a vacation booked to Newfoundland the next day and God love her, was willing to cancel it. To what end though. Other than a physical presence for me, there would have been nothing gained by her missing out on that trip. As is she did touch base daily whilst away and that certainly helped me internalise that my world and circle, albeit small is still there. I admit though that I'm so glad she's back and will see her today.

Still no appetite but am certain it will return with time and healing. Past losses have resulted in binges so this is a first. I suppose 16 months of a disciplined approach to food intake and the food addiction course I took along the way may have forever changed how I use food as fuel as opposed to food as a coping mechanism. One can only hope that's the case.

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26 juin 2024

Good evening FS friends

I am well and truly lost. With his sons here on and off last week clearing out his tools and things, and me digging up paperwork related to his assets, there was purpose and hustle. This week I'm faced with the awful awful void.

The hardest part of this is waiting for the phone to ring. Boy did I take that for granted. When he was at his own home, he'd call me once if not twice a day as he was going through a Tim's drive through and on his way to have his coffee down in a park next to Lake Ontario. When he was heading home from work whether coming here or going to his own home at the other end of Toronto, he'd call and we'd chat most of the way.
Even when he was staying here and out running errands, he'd check in to see if something needed to be picked up. It's not as if these were deep conversations by any stretch, but so important as we were connected whether together or apart. My phone is horribly silent now.

I don't know what's next. I'm lost. I've walked this path before, but at the time I was working, had a decent sized social circle, a mom that needed my attention. There were distractions. None of this exists now. There isn't a place here by my beloved Mighty Niagara River that I don't see him, work he has done. He's everywhere. A couple of days ago, I wandered over to a neighbours thinking that I'd find solace in the company of other human beings. Nope. I'd fogotten that a couple of years ago, John helped the man of the house build a ramp to their entry door as she was going to have surgery, would be using a walker for a while and needed to be able to access the house. Yup, that wood was John's the lag bolts were John's, the construction was 90% John's. Man. It hurt as I walked up that ramp.

And so I continue, one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

Am planning and logging my food plan, but must admit that I'm not eating as I should. This will change and I hope and pray that I don't revert to old behavious of using food as solace and comfort. Food to numb.

Need to find equilibrium.

Over and out

(3 commentaires)

24 juin 2024

Poids:	Perdu jusqu'à présent:	Reste à parcourir:	Régime suivi:
70,3 kg	49,4 kg	6,8 kg	Raisonnablement Bien

(1 commentaire) Perdant 0,5 kg par Semaine

23 juin 2024

Good morning FS friends

Yesterday was a good day. Got a decent nights sleep thanks to a prescription from my GP. Woke up at the crack of dawn to see the Mighty Niagara River covered in a mist. She was beautiful. Round about 7AM scads of cyclists started passing by. Turns out it was the cross border endurance route for the Roswell Park Ride for Cancer (oh the irony).

Given how hot and sunny the day became, the river was active with jet skiers, boats, fishermen and even the odd cigar boat. Needless to say, once the bike ride was over the Parkway was fully opened and the usual summer happenings began. Lots of motorcycle clubs going by 20-30 riders at a time. (some sorrow with this one as John realised a lifelong dream last year, got his motorcycle license and had started to ride his Harley Road King albeit cautiously). The classic cars, some real beauties. Just watching the usual goings on would have brought pleasure to John. We used to call it Parkway TV.

By mid afternoon, things seemed too quiet in the house. Where normally I'd go outside and garden, it was simply too hot to do this safely. The dogs are confused and a wee bit lost as dad (their treat dispenser) isn't here and mom is a bit "off". I decided that I'd package some of John's ashes before his family removes them and went on a memorial journey of my own. First went to Timmies in Fort Erie, got a medium Iced Capp (John's favourite during the summer) and 300 empty but needed calories for me. Then proceeded to stop at each place we had fished, swam or launched our boat and leave a bit of him at each one until I got home. Today I will continue on with the mission from my house to the other spots along the way, all the way to Port Dalhousie. In the weeks to come, I'll go to Port Colbourne at the mouth of the canal and do the same. It feels right as this was our couple thing and something his sons never participated in. Is it closure? No. But it helps and he would appreciate it in absentia. Other memorials planned by his family, employer and the Masons are appropriate and deserved but less meaningful to me regarding our life and time together.

By evening, the lawn needed mowing, so I did. Finally ate a leftover burger from when the boys were here last week. Didn't finish it, but it's a start.

One week down. Several personal grieving milestones met. Many more to go, but one day/week/year at a time. There is no timeline but having walked this awful path before, there will be light at the end of the tunnel and someday joy may reenter the equation.

Over and out

(5 commentaires)

22 juin 2024

Good morning FS Friends

Yesterday was John's 64th birthday. It was also the day we picked up his ashes so for the time being he is back here by the river.

The past days have been a flurry of activity. His sons had come to help clear his things. Heartbreaking to watch his truck be driven off. I will miss that roar of its' coming and going. I guess it's not the truck so much as how it came to be so closely identified with the man who I was forever going on field trips with whether to go watch boats come into the Welland Canal in Port Colborne, shopping, picking up building materials or just going through a Timmies drive through.

I remain lost. Sleep (or lack thereof) was an issue until last night as I had contacted my GP asking for help. Melatonin did nothing. When I went to pick up the script my pharmacist knew something was up. The beauty of small town living is that the people that provide services actually know you and are aware that certain medications are totally out of the norm. I broke down.

Food is a real issue at the moment. Up until John's passing my appetite was healthy. Ozempic helped me tame the junk beast and incessant food noise but never took away my palate or appetite. Seemingly John's passing has done that. I didn't take my injection this week and won't until my system normalises. I am so very close to nearing goal and John was so very proud of how far I've come. He would not want me to stop with the program and revert to old ways. And so when I'm ready, I'll be back on track.

Over and out

(7 commentaires)

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