Journal de PA-gary, 31 janv. 22

Oh oh, I thought I left this message last night but maybe I forgot to push submit, or did you delete it. If you deleted it, do it again. I just wanted to offer my love and support. This is a copy of my response to your comment on my journal... "If you only left a message to my picture and didn't read my previous 2 comments to this journal you don't know what goes on in my life, but thank you anyway. PA-gary, your heart, and your mind are what I am interested in not how you look. There will always be other people that are richer or poorer than us, taller or shorter, smarter or less so than us, more or less educated, more or less artistic, more or less capable in a million different ways. When we are hurt in life (especially as a child) by others, or circumstances, or the destruction present on earth, we feel more deeply the continued hurt that comes along in life. In fact, we are so human we even do things to hurt ourselves. Any advantage we have in life, whether it be intelligence, education, money, beauty, or any other thing, tends to isolate us from others. Let me give you a very small example. My fingernails are very weak, bend forward and break off continually. It was left to me to do most of our yard work, so when I discovered acrylic nails I splurged on having them even though I cut my own hair until the last few years with it short, and I have never had a pedicure in my life, even when I broke my shoulder and then later broke my back. One day a lovely gal complimented me on my pretty fingernails and hid hers saying it made her ashamed of hers. To this day whenever I look at my nails I remember her and know having my nails done alienates some people. I don't want to alienate people. I was hurt as a child. I have disabilities as part of my genetic makeup. My husband is abusive. I am lonely. I have a very bad back and live in pain. I am 80 years old and am flabby, weak, and am losing my memory. I don't look like that now. But I used to. I suspect by your words, it alienated you a little bit, and I am sorry about that. You don't know Debbie Cousins since you are new here but she is so giving and gracious she was kind to me and put me on the prayer list at her church. She remarked on this journal "thread" the picture looks better than the fake one I sent her. I did that because I wanted her to accept me whatever I looked like. I also sent one of those fake pictures to another gal here that I had befriended. She was extremely intelligent and worked as a researcher for a university. She was a larger gal and didn't appear to wear makeup. I thought it was a fine joke but when I sent her a real picture she was so offended by me that it ruined our relationship. Do you have children? Our son was killed by a drunk driver and our daughter has stage 4 cancer. Right now she needs a blood transfusion. God loves you more than we can understand. I can't love like God does because He “IS” love, but I can love you whatever weight you are. I would be glad to support you in that endeavor because it is healthier, and the way we feel about ourselves tend to improve. Aren't your standards for yourself tougher than the ones you have for others? Do you feel disdain for me because I have a disability, or because I am 80, or because I am weak, or because I have many faults, like resentment, self-pity, immaturity, and am shallow. My husband and I think my daughter too have never accepted me. Can you love me that I used to look like this? If not I can send you a copy of that joke picture. When I was real with who I am and how I felt in my journal, I was called some pretty negative names by private message. We do have that here. I'm glad you want to eat better. It's really hard to diet. It starts in your head. I have yo-yo dieted all my life. When I fall off the wagon sometimes it took me a year to get back on. I'm glad you are serious because that is what it will take. If you can and are willing to exercise a lot, you can eat a lot, but otherwise, you will have to give up some things. If you are eating a sugar-based diet (high carbs) you will be hungrier than with a fat-based diet. I am addicted to high carbs and sweets so am not eating those things for a while. It's no fun but worth it. You have to really, really want it and be willing to be disciplined to say no to yourself. Most people will not do it for health. I do it for 50% health (mostly my memory) and 50% vanity. You will either feel regret for the things you have to give up or will feel regret that you didn't do it. Both sweets and artificial sweets will make you depressed. If you don't do it you may become diabetic. Did anyone ever tell you that insulin makes you gain more weight? Life is hard. Come join hands with us and fight the hard fight. I will leave this attached to your journal in case you don't come back here. You are so new (3 journal entries) you may not see it at all."