Journal de girlygirlatheart

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10 juin 2009

So, I think I am going to try weighing myself everyday. This might help keep me focused and honest with myself. and I am down by a pounds from yesterday's weigh in... which means yesterdays 169 mighta been some extra water. Who knows. Woooo!

Poids:	Perdu jusqu'à présent:	Reste à parcourir:	Régime suivi:
76,0 kg	19,2 kg	10,3 kg	100%

(4 commentaires) Perdant 4,4 kg par Semaine

09 juin 2009

So, I weigh 169? Its not the end of the world.

Poids:	Perdu jusqu'à présent:	Reste à parcourir:	Régime suivi:
76,7 kg	18,6 kg	10,9 kg	Non Applicable

(8 commentaires) Prenant 0,8 kg par Semaine

08 juin 2009

So its Monday.

I had chicken, peanut butter, and tea for dinner. I intended to have that chicken in a salad, but I was too hungry to make the salad. And peanut butter was on the counter, and it just looked good. But I even measured a perfect table spoon of it.
So I am sitting here, listening to Kelly Clarkson, waiting for my tea to cool, and I can hear my parents fighting upstairs. My mom wants to leave again. This time its because my dad asked her to please respect him by including him in decisions of how his paycheck should be spent. So because they dont agree that she should get a brand new car, she wants a divorce.

All I can think to myself is "I'm seriously too old for this shit."

I was so hungry before dinner, I thought I wasnt going to stop when I was full. But I did, and I am pretty happy with myself.

Especially after last night... Last night, I told my dad about me eating disorder. I reassured him that I am getting better, though.
He promised he wouldnt tell my mom. I will someday, when I am ready.
I cant do it now, though.
I feel like if I did, she would be judgmental and disappointed in me. That would just hurt me more, and I would blame her. I dont want to blame her, or break her heart, and possibly ruin our relationship.

(1 commentaire)

06 juin 2009

Hey look! Its saturday, again!

You know my life has been a total chaotic wreck when I havent journaled in a little over two weeks.

Yesterday, my dad came home. On the drive home, my mom started talking about the car she wanted to buy. My dad said "out of respect, please include me in that financial decision. Because when you dont, you give the kids the impression that I am a pussy and you control everything."
I was so proud of my dad. It had to have been the most glorious moment of the day. Hell, of the month, maybe. Right up there when my 12 year old brother told my mom, "You're embarrassing because you always brag about money, cars, and the house" and she told Sam, "Fuck you" and stormed off.
Ooorrrr when my 17 year old brother told her her ego was as big as a house.
Okay, so, we're all being quite honest with my mom and when she doesnt want to hear it, she throws a pity party and says we're 'picking' on her.

And, as i've mentioned before, my mom blames everyone else around her for anything she does. My brother and her stopped for lunch at McDonalds and she ordered a Fish-o-fillet. She justified her choice by saying, "its just fish. Fish is healthy!" and then she ate some of my brother's fries. She blamed it on him. She said if he had not spilled them into the center console of the car, she wouldnt have eaten them. HA! Yeah, they just spilled into your mouth, huh mom?
The next day (before I knew she had eaten fast food) she paid my 12 year old brother $10 for his long john silver's sampler platter, and she told me to go get him a #2 at Arbys. I know my brother hates curly fries so I just got him the roast beef and cheddar sandwich, and guess who asked, "Where are the curly fries!?"
Yep... my mom. She paid him for the Arby's too.
Then yesterday, after she ate two fish tacos, I noticed something...
She just ate two fish tacos! WHAT?! But i thought her stomach was the size of an egg... wtf? Lets not even address the issue that she ate 800 calories.

And you see... I cant tell her these things. I want to look out for her and tell her shes not doing this whole bariatric diet right. But she gets pissy, fussy, bitchy and mean when I try to gently tell her. My counselor, bf and friends have told me to just let her learn on her own. She is a grown women.
Shes more like a child, to be honest. She needs to grow up.
And am I a bad person for resenting her for this? I wanted to smack her in the face when I saw her eating LJS fried fish platter.
I feel so angry with her.

Enough about that, though.
I saw my primary care doctor last week and confessed to him that i had an eating disorder. He wanted to know what stresses where causing me to refuse to eat and then binge eat. I told him about my mom, the stress at home, etc. He said the best thing for me would be medication, and referred me to a psychiatrist.
I havent seen the psychiatrist yet because i know my mom will see the bill when it comes in. Yes, she is that nosey, she will read my mail, and she does get angry at me for 'keeping' things from her, as if i am not 20 years old, and shouldnt have my own life.
I am going to tell my dad about my eating, and tell him I have to do this to get well. But I do not want to tell my mom. She is judgmental, and it will only cause more problems and stress for me. Maybe one day I will be able to tell her. Like after I have left home or something.

But all in all, I think I am getting better. I have not purged in over a month. Now I just need to work on the binge eating.
For about three weeks in may, I was doing so, so well. It was hard not to binge at night. One night, I was talking on the phone with my bf, and I was in a very bad mood. I told to him, "Just dont let me eat. If you hear me eating, stop me." I sat in my room, and suddenly, I just burst into tears. I had no idea why I was crying, only that I felt tired, sad and depressed. But after I cried, I wasnt hungry anymore. I will never forget that night. Other nights, the urge binge was so high after I ate too much. But instead of making myself feel better by eating more, I would take a ten minute walk while listening to an audio book my bf gave me. It helped so much. I felt so great after those few weeks.
Unfortunately, we had a final on last friday, and our class celebrated by having pizza for lunch. I made up for it with a salad for dinner, but I wanted some frozen yogurt later that night. That turned into eating chocolate-covered banana chips and twizlers. I should have asked myself if I really wanted all that, or if i was eating to soothe the guilt from having pizza. It was just a coping mechanism, like always. It all threw me off track, and I binged on crap food all last weekend. It seems I got depressed about binging and just binged some more. It took a lot to pull myself out of that, but on wednesday, I did.
It seems like every time I give myself an inch, I take 5 miles. I'm still working on that.

I'm pretty proud of myself for yesterday. My parents and one of my brothers went to La Salsa for lunch after we picked up my dad. I had a taco salad, nixed the cheese and sour cream, and i didnt touch a single tortilla chip or the tostada "bowl" the salad came in. I also ate only until i was full. The more I practice this, the easier it seems to be. I was so hungry when I sat down to eat yesterday, but as I ate slowly, and gauged my hunger, I got full, and became 'bored' with eating. So I just stopped. I also ask myself, "Do I feel like I can run?" after eating. If i know I could get up and talk a walk/jog, i know I am satisfied. I have feel too "heavy" to, I have eaten too much.
I hate that feeling of eating too much. When I get like that, the only thing that used to seem to help me feel better is eating more. That is in the past now.

So, all in all, the journey continues. Something I learned from this weekend: one night of over eating doesnt have to turn into four.
And i really need to stop binging. That is my biggest downfall. If I would just stop when I am full at night, or with foods I just cant get enough of (like pizza, frozen yogurt etc) then they wouldnt hurt me so much.
My dad is keeping my mom busy. Thank god. Maybe her and I can get along better, even for his sake.

(2 commentaires)

24 mai 2009

So, its Sunday.

Easy Sundays are always nice. I have always wondered, is it the beginning or the end of the week? Who really knows.

I saw the nutritionist face to face on Thursday. I walked into her office with this feeling of excitement and hope, with a small sense of security mixed in there. I had played the visit out in my mind already; after I told her about my 6-month long struggle through yo-yo diet hell, she was going to give me this magic formula for weight loss that no body ever wants you to know about. I was sort of treating her like the holy grail of all diet-things because I felt she was the most reliable and correct source of information. She is a registered dietitian, after all.

Heres how the visit really went: I talked about what was going on, and tried not to drown her in sob stories about my mom's comments about my weight. (I'll admit, I did get teary-eyed, damn it lol) Then she concluded the obvious- I'm not losing any weight because I am not keeping my calories consistent.
She asked me if I was counting calories over the time period that i I had lost 120 pounds. I told her "No, I only started when my weight loss started to slow down. It was the first time I had ever seen the scale at a stand still, and I became so frustrated that I figured counting calories and being militant would get me results."
She figures counting calories stresses me out too much. So she gives me a pamphlet, which I reluctantly take and look over, and instructs me to just eat whats on it. Its a two week, 1300 calorie a day menu.

Okay, so now we're getting somewhere. She tells me I need 1300 calories to lose weight, and 1800 to maintain my weight.
Upon learning this she tells me calories are calories its just about restricting them. I felt like asking her, "So, if calories are calories, then you could eat 1200 calories of snickers minis and as long as you keep your calories consistent, you'd lose weight?"

"Ugh, I dont think so lady."

We also discussed how I was hungry right after I ate. From our phone conversation, she assumed I was eating something like a candy bar, which would have sent my blood sugar sky high, and then upon dropping super low, i would indeed feel hungrier than before. But no, I'm eating salad with chicken on it, or a sandwich with an apple. She told me to talk to my counselor about that because she believes its not physical hunger; its emotional.
Oh and she says to get the hell out of my house because everything would be a lot easier. Ha. This seems to me a reoccurring theme of a lot of conversations lately.

I was a tid-bit disappointed when I left because she didnt tell me anything that I didnt already know/suspect. (And I didnt agree with a few things she said to be accurate.) But you know what? I learned a lot, and not necessarily factual information. I realized that a lot of my diet blunders were due to stress and some of it was just in my head. Its scary to think about, but its true.

I am now trying to tell the difference between emotional and physical hunger and its really hard right now. When I asked my counselor what she thought, she said, "Its going to be difficult until you have established a routine of healthy eating again."
She's right. My body has been going through these extremes and its probably really tired of it, so until I have settled into a comfortable eating pattern, I'm going to feel weird.

So I have decided that I'm going to stop being so hard on myself. For the next two weeks, I'm going to try to have 1200-1400 calories a day and log my food. I have to try to not nit-pick myself, though. Thats not why I am logging my food. Its not to penalize or reward good/bad eating. I just want to evaluate how I feel.
After two weeks, I can ask myself how I felt, and look back and see what I ate, so I can find out what works for me.
I've also relaxed on my exercising. Well, I have, and I havent, if that makes any sense. lol Instead of exercising 2 hours every other day, I am doing strength training three times a week, and cardio 2-3 times a week. So, I figure as long as get 45-60 mins of exercise 5 days a week, I should be good, right?

I really want to thank my buddies for all your support. Your journals, and comments on my own, have shed light on the darkest parts of this time in my life. Honestly, I dont know what I would do without all of you. Its comforting to know you're here for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

(5 commentaires)

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