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20 mai 2009

Its Wednesday.

And so far this week, I have learned how hard it is not to fall back into the diet mentality.

On Monday afternoon, I went a good four hours without food. I was busy and pressured while running errands and did not want to eat. My brother had a doctor's appointment to be taken to at 3:45, and at 2:30, my mom sent me out to go to the bank and deposit money, then drive to the opposite side of town to pay a bill, then drive to the furthest part of town from our house to pick up his labs, and then I had to be back home by 3:30 to pick him up and take him. I was so stressed, and I ignored all the signs that I was 'crashing'. I had a headache, started shaking, and felt like panicking.
My fiance called me when I hit heavy traffic, and he could tell there was obviously something wrong. When I told him what my mom had put on me in the last minute, I finally started crying. This was when I realized, "Oh my god, this is ridiculous. My moods are so unstable. I'm exhausted. I need food," and I stopped at a gas station and bought a kashi roll/bar-thing.

The diet mentality had told me that I didnt need to eat until 5, which is the usual time I have a snack a couple hours before dinner.

Its very difficult for me to honor my hunger when I am afraid the extra calories will make me gain weight.

But if I do not honor my hunger, I end up binging at night, and I am positive that I gain weight when I fall into that habit again.

Thank god I am finally seeing a nutritionist tomorrow. She is the same one who just sent me pamphlets, but thats okay. I hope I have a chance to explain everything to her, including all of my accomplishments, fears, worries, mistakes, and future goals.
And I hope she can help me understand how this happened, and help me figure out what healthy eating should be for me.

My fiance and I have talked countless times about how my house is run, and he has urged me to leave even before we started going out. I am very biased because I love my family. So for years, I have not minded that I took on the full time roll as the mother.

So many of you have read and commented on my journal, and blessed me with your kind words, and honest advice. (And I am very thankful. I truly, truly am!) So I am sure, as you read, you have to wonder exactly what the statistics are of this situation.
Well, here are the facts; here is (a shorter version of) how I got here:
My dad taught me how to make my mom a sandwich at 3 years old. I started taking care of my family at around 8. I was changing my youngest brothers diapers, and by 10 I knew how to cook with my mom's supervision. My dad was in the navy, so since he was always gone, I took on the roll of the second parent alongside my mom.
From the time I started high school, until I graduated, my mom began to do less and less of the things mothers are supposed to do.
When I came home from school, I would have to clean, cook or run errands with my mom instead of doing homework. Although, in my junior and senior year, I decided to take college classes at night to get the hell out of my house as often as I could. In January of 2007, I got my CNA certification, and I had planned on continuing to community college that fall for my LVN license, which would have only taken an addition six months for me to complete. I had all my prerequisites done and was ready to go. I was offered a job as a nursing assistant right after I graduated high school, but I could not take it because my parents said it was too expensive for gas. I said I would pay them, but then it turned into a matter of being too 'inconvenient' to drive me to work. I remember my mother promising me that later that year, i would be able to get a job. From June of 07, until now, my mom has just stopped being a parent, basically.
My parents allowed me to get a job as long as it was close enough to walk. so I worked at a local car wash as a cashier for three months, and then I worked for zales for five months. My mother ended up 'borrowing' all my savings. She has not paid me back. Then in march of 2008, my mom went into the hospital, got very sick, and had some injuries that made it difficult, but not impossible, for her to be left by herself. My dad had to leave just a few days after she got out of the hospital, so they told me to quit my job so I could take care of my mom all the time. At that time, after taking the fall of 2007 off of school because my dad was not home to register for my VA benefits, I had finally gotten into just two classes for the spring semester. She would not take me to class, and would not let me use the car to go to class. Essentially I had to drop out of school and quit my job to take care of my mother and do everything she did not want/or could not do. So as of april 2008, I am unemployed and out of school.
My mom had gotten so big from around december 2006 until she had her surgery earlier this year, that she couldnt move around and do things. She basically let herself go, sat around and ate junk food all the time, and told me to do all of the motherly responsibilities.

Now that she has lost some weight, she can move around, walk and do things, but I see she only does what she wants to, and makes me and my brothers do the real work.

My fiance hates my parents. He's never met them face to face, but he knows how things are done in my house from everything i have told him and everything he has heard or seen. He's been on the phone with me when my mom has yelled at me and treated me terribly. He wants me to move out as quickly as possible.
He says that I cannot function here. He says I will not succeed here, especially with my eating. He says my mom doesnt really give a shit about me or my goals. He says i am 20 years old, and should be doing 20 year old things, like going to college, spending time with friends, or hanging out with him. I never see him because I do not have time. He tells me I shouldnt be a mother to my brothers.

He is right. It has taken me a long, long time to see things for what they really are.
I do believe my mom cares for me, and loves me. But it is in her own selfishness. Its not for me. If she cared, she would have listened to my dad and I when we told her a whole box of fucking drumsticks ice creams was enough. Or that I didnt need to go to McDonald's at two in the morning for her. Or she would have taken my brothers to school.
My parents have always been overprotective of me, to a point where it has hindered me. I have no 'real life experience' as my fiance puts it. They do not want me to leave, and a few days ago my mother confessed it. This doesnt worry me though. I know how to take care of myself. Hell, I have been taking care of people almost all my life.

Its unfair that I would have/could have/should have been an RN by now. I am finally angry about it. Does it sound stupid for me to say that I believe my mom did that and did a whole lot to make sure this didnt happen so that someone would be there for her? Does it make me bad person that for once in my life, i am being selfish and I want what I want from my life?

I believe you are all right, Carol, Dawn, Starladesiree, and red stook.

(5 commentaires)

16 mai 2009

So its Saturday.

I cant believe how fast May is going by. I keep thinking/writing "April-whatever" as the date. But April is long gone. Jeeze, where did it go? Seriously? Sometimes I feel like everything is just speeding by me and I am standing still. I'm getting nowhere... or so it feels like that.

Well, i suppose am progressing. Slowly... very slowly, but surely.
My counselor now knows the seriousness of my irregular eating and purging. She has asked me to see my regular doctor, and ask him to see a nutritionist. The funny thing is, I did.
My mom was in the room (since my doctor happens to be her primary doctor too, oh and she insists on going with me to any doctor's appointment) so I asked him to refer me to a nutritionist because of my IBS. He gave in the information to my mom. Luckily I was able to snag it from her, otherwise she would have called for me like she loves to do. I called the nutritionist and she told me she was going to send me some informational pamphlets in the mail and to call her if i had any other concerns. THATS IT?!?
I told my counselor that and she said to go back and ask my doctor to see another nutritionist.
It perplexes me that millions of girls that are younger, older or close to my age, have problems with eating disorders and some of them do not want help. I DO. I am trying to take care of myself. I need help. I know I do, and I am asking for it.

On the subject of eating, I am continuing to eat when I want. At the end of yesterday and today I have entered my calories into my food diary, not so much for calories sake, but I want to know how much protein, fiber and fat I am getting. When I look at my days total and see that its somewhere near 1400, 1500 or 1600 calories, it starts to scare me. Something in my brain sets off a switch that says "You should feel guilty, cry, or make myself throw up!" This is where I have realized I do need help. I start to get very depressed. I am trying to tell myself "its okay. I am building a strong, healthy body. I do not want to be a frail paper cut out of what a girl is 'supposed' to be."
And when I remind myself that I dont feel dead anymore, it gets a little easier. I am actually starting to feel good. Its strange and I almost feel like its just not right, but I know thats because its an unfamiliar feeling. Is being grumpy, miserable, exhausted and sick the only way to lose/maintain my weight? I pray to God its not.

I am still scared I will gain weight, or I will never lose whats left on my stomach. But right now, I am trying not to focus on these things. I just want to be healthy.

But its hard to be healthy when you are not happy. Ugh.
Today my mom and I got into a fight. She came into my room, she didnt apologize for anything by saying, "I'm sorry" but she told me things that said otherwise. She said that she was afraid that I go to my counselor and talk about her. My mom said, "I try not to be mean to you". She told me that she was scared I was going to get tired of putting up with my family and leave. I asked her if she wanted me to leave, since she has told me to before. She said, "No. I never want you to leave. I want you to stay here til I am 90."
With any other mother, this would be understandable. But this hurt me. It hurt me very, very much.
I now know that my mom knows how much her and my dad crippled my chances of getting into a good college or moving out on my own. They made me quit my jobs and drop out of school to take care of my mom and to do everything that she as the mother should have done. For two damn years, I have done everything for her, and sacrificed my personal life. I should be an RN right now. I could have been. I was an nursing assistant (part 1 of 3) by 18. I was only 6 months away from LVN when I graduated high school. But it was just too 'inconvenient' for me to go to college in the fall of 2007. After all, who would be home to get my mom a piece of carrot cake or wipe her ass?

I do not plan on leaving as abruptly or soon as I'm sure my parents expect me to. I love my brothers, and I love my dad. I love my mother too. I just have no respect for her, honestly.

I want to have a good relationship with her. I really, really do. We can get along as long as I am wrapped up in how great she is and I do EVERYTHING she says when she says it. But that is too much of an 'act' to keep up for me anymore, honestly. Spending my life appeasing her makes me miserable. So i am trying to make myself happy while still keeping the peace. I need to figure out some good ways of doing this.

(4 commentaires)

13 mai 2009

So, Its Wednesday, again.

After a terrible, terrible monday and tuesday last week, I sort of 'gave up'.
Weightloss was stressing me out too much.

Its been one week since I have been on FS. I have a whole new perspective on eating now.

Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I ate as I normally would while 'eating healthy/dieting', At first, not counting calories was nerve-wrecking. I even had to stop myself from counting them in my head, or writing them down through out the day.
But, anyways, I binged on all three nights (no purging though).
I would go to bed stuffed and wake up with the infamous food hang over.
So each morning, I would tell myself, "I am not going to over eat tonight... im not!" And to my dismay, I would.

On Sunday, I ate as I normally did all day, but didnt eat dinner. I figured if I didnt start eating at all, I couldnt overeat.
That night, I couldnt sleep because my quads and head hurt so badly.

When I woke up on monday morning, I could have eaten a whole IHOP breakfast. I was starving.
I remember crying and being miserable, and thinking to myself, "I cant not eat dinner for the rest of my life. But I dont want to binge and purge anymore, either. This has to stop."
I binged on the days i was eating 'healthy', when i was sticking to my 'diet' or the 'correct' way of eating.

So i looked up "Symptoms of Inadequate Calorie intake"
And it turns out, I have/had all of them.

Cold hands & feet- I cant tolerate the cold whatsoever, and I think its comfortable when its 98 outside. One day when it was blazing outside, I sat in my fiance's car with no air on, all the windows up and i didnt break a sweat. The hot car felt good to me.
Dry skin & hair- I was constantly putting lotion on my elbows, needs and hands because they were so dry. My hands even bled.
Headaches/ Muscle aches- I believe I mentioned in a previous journal that I had a constant headache that would NEVER go away. I'd go to sleep with it and wake up with it. My eyes hurt so much that my vision was blurry. And of course, you all know about my quads hurting so badly that I couldnt sleep at night. They ached so unmercifully.
Dizziness/syncope- Every time I would get up, I would feel as if i was going to fall back down.
Lethargy/low energy- no matter how much sleep I got, I would feel tired, like I wanted to go back to sleep at 2 in the afternoon. And I would feel exhausted even doing something like walking up the stairs.
low concentration- yep, had that too
poor decision capacity- *check mark*
Irritability- especially with my mom, but sometimes, I just didnt want to be "bothered" by anyone.
Depressed mood- I would get depressed about weightloss, the car accident I was in, the fact that i am not in 'real' school, my looks, my body, everything. Just beat myself up about every little thing.
Low libido- my fiance is a very understanding man, lets just say that.
missed periods- I didnt realize that I dont remember the last time i went through TOM. I have often thought it was coming, but never did.
Social withdrawal- and because i was in such bad moods, i never wanted to see my fiance, go anywhere or anything.
Food obsessions- this one was obvious. I would google pictures of food, read about food, look up recipes, think about my next meal.
And lastly, as embarrassing as it is to say this lol
Constipation- I NEVER have a bm, and when I do, its only the tiniest bit and, yeah, you can imagine.

"But I am eating 1200-1400 calories some days," I told myself.
I didnt understand. "And I am exercising 2-4 hours every other day religiously. And I am not losing any weight!" And then I thought, maybe 1200-1400 isnt enough.
"What? No! It seems like such a high, high number to me!"

I have all these symptoms, but I have ignored them. I was in denial. I was so focused on weight loss that the way I felt really didnt matter to me.

According to every calorie-calculator i have worked my sex, age height, weight and activity level into, I should be having 1600-1800 calories TO LOSE WEIGHT. To maintain, I could get away with eating 2200-2400 with regular execise. I shouldnt be cutting my calories lower than my BMR, which is 1580.

I am beginning to accept that I am not a paper doll. I am not the average woman who should be able to comfortably consumer 1400 calories a day to lose weight. Awhile ago, i said I was practicing intuitive eating, and now I look back, and I dont feel I truly was. I tried, but I still didnt honor my hunger, which lead to not respecting my fullness when it overwhelmed me.

I'm 5'9, 160-something pounds, and pretty active. I exercise, plus do all the errand-running, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. I dont know what my optimum number of calories is. I really dont.

Since monday, I have abandoned calorie counting completely.
I am eating healthy food, but I just dont care about calories or what time I eat. And I havent binged. I dont feel a need to now because I dont have a lot of those symptoms, including the headaches or feeling like I want to cry 24 hours a day. I dont feel depressed about eating until I am comfortable, and once I am, I have found it easy to push food away.

For the past two days I have been comfortable. And after feeling this, I dont want to go back to being in so much pain all the time. So now the only concern I have is my weight. I am scared I will gain weight back or wont lose any anymore.

I hope someone can learn something, anything, from reading my journals. If you are experiencing this, please, consider rethinking your plans and actions. Now that I know what it feels like to just be comfortable, I dont understand how I survived for almost 6 months going through this cycle.

Oh, another interesting thing I found... when I am satisfied with my food, I do not crave junk food! When I was grumpy and sick, and had that headache, I craved carbs and fat all the time. So while thinking about food, I would google images of cupcakes, brownies, and ice cream. What the hell? lol

I'm actually hungry now. Time to go honor my hungry lil stomach with some real food.

(6 commentaires)

08 mai 2009

Poids:	Perdu jusqu'à présent:	Reste à parcourir:	Régime suivi:
73,0 kg	22,2 kg	7,3 kg	Mal

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06 mai 2009

So its Wednesday.

I dont remember what I ate or how it happened, but I woke up on Monday with an IBS attack. I think this was purely stress-related.
So i stayed offline for about two whole days and stayed in bed.

I am going to try temporarily not recording my food in my diet calendar. I know what to eat to feel healthy, lose weight and stay on track. I dont want to answer to a calorie-counting bitch anymore. Its just another tool that promotes the importance of numbers.
I'm still going to write down what I eat so I can tell what triggers by IBS attacks.

I feel like taking a break from FS, from all nutritional data sites, all the weighloss news letter (preventions, realage, fitness mag, shape mag, etc). I'm sick of reading about how Kim Kardashian(sp?) has "cellulite". Pfftt, shut up. What you consider cellulite and what I consider cellulite are two different things.

So i am taking a break. But of course, I will try to update my journal and still support my loving buddies.
Everyone, take good care of yourself. I hope you are doing much better than I am!

(5 commentaires)

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