Journal de suechru

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11 décembre 2010

So, this is a pleasant surprise. I went almost a month without actually logging or counting and I know my exercise has been lacking. I expected to maintain at best or gain 5 lbs at worst but I actually lost a little bit of weight.

That's kind of awesome really. Since I just started logging again I'm curious to see now how the weight comes off. I probably won't hit the 50lbs lost goal by New Year's but I'm extremely pleased with this result. I really really was expecting to have gained about 5 lbs. (My clothes still fit so I wasn't expecting much more than 5-10lbs) Don't want to put pressure on myself but I'm thinking that under 230 by Christmas is definitely possible.

Poids:	Perdu jusqu'à présent:	Reste à parcourir:	Régime suivi:
104,8 kg	18,6 kg	29,9 kg	Raisonnablement Bien

(1 commentaire) Perdant 0,2 kg par Semaine

09 décembre 2010

So apparently any weight I've gained (and I'm not sure how much because I haven't bothered to actually weigh myself in a few weeks) is mostly in the form of a giant chip on my shoulder.

I'm generally mad at the world these days. I'm mad that I can bust my ass for months on end and still end up out of work in January and that I have to hold my breath to find out if I passed my class (I did that horribly on my final last night - seriously it wasn't pretty.) I'm pissed off that nothing is working out remotely close to how I planned. I'm STILL single, still tired, still in an uncertain job situation. I'm likely going to go through at least one more year of job searching/class/temping/looking.

And it pisses me off. I have been through far more shit in one lifetime than anyone should ever have to go through and I can not catch a god damn fucking break. I drank a bottle of wine tonight for the second night in a row and I don't care. The only reason I'm even counting calories is that I don't want to go back to 272 because I'm downing alcohol.

I started crying at work again today. I hate this so much. I'm great at my job but apparently that doesn't matter because someone overseas can work for 1/8th what I'd be paid for so everything I've done over the past six months means NOTHING. I remember hearing about how in prison camps they'd make the prisoners dig their own graves and then shoot them at the foot of them. That's how I feel. Like I know I'm going to be shot but I'm being forced to dig my own grave until Jan 12th.

And no one cares. The people who love to see me down are thrilled that I'll be out of work again (if they know), everyone else... meh, if I'm not the upbeat perky optimistic person they have no use for me. So what's the damn point? I wish they'd just lay me off already so I could spend the week in bed and cry and grieve and MOVE ON instead of being in this damn holding pattern. It's completely zapped me of any holiday spirit. It wrecked Thanksgiving and every time I try to think about Christmas it just makes me tired and anxious.

I just feel like the universe hates me and is determined to keep me down in the dirt and I don't have the energy to fight up out of it anymore. Maybe if I were stick thin like everyone I worked with they'd find a job for me since I wouldn't make their insurance go up. Maybe then someone would at least want to date me.

I'm tired of seeing everything I want just out of reach, busting my ass and being denied anyway. I'm sick of it. I'm done. I'm really hoping the Mayans were right and the world is ending next year because these days it's a pretty damn crappy place if you ask me. So come on apocalypse.

Oh yeah, did I mention I still have to work overtime until they lay me off so no time for recentering really? No time to go out on lunch and see the sun or do anything really. Nope, I'm basically chained to my damn desk trying to cram in as many hours as possible so I have something to live off next month.

I can't find positive in this. I don't think there is any. I've worked myself into the ground all fall for NOTHING. I had to drop a class, I might actually fail another and for what? NOTHING. It's all I can do to even keep showing up at work at this point. My heart's not in anything anymore. I hate everyone. I hate everything. Christmas is going to be a nightmare this year due to some family issues and I've just lost all taste for the holidays.

Wake me up in late January someone. Seriously.

(5 commentaires)

09 décembre 2010

I'm baaaaack!

The semester ended last night for me and I probably did horrendous on my final but I still probably passed the class. Which sometimes that's all you can do, sometimes it's not about the best grade or the perfect whatever... sometimes getting through a big pile of crap is a victory in and of itself.

I started referring to this as the semester from hell and in a lot of ways it was. It was rough the entire way around, for a number of reasons and the last few weeks my life basically imploded. (Or that's how it feels.) I probably put back on a few pounds but at the same time, I got through. I didn't go too ridiculously insane with what I did, and I've handled everything really well, especially considering my history.

Showering and heading to work, then gym tonight. (It's too damn cold to exercise outside here. It's currently 19 degrees.) I'll try to catch up with my buddies journals/progress in the coming days. I'm just so relieved to be back and ready to recenter.

More later

(2 commentaires)

02 décembre 2010

I mentioned being back but um, not yet.

A lot going on right now. The job ending, overtime, job searching (again), finals, etc. I also had a very hellish week as I had a big financial aid snafu that made it seem like I wouldn't have aid for the spring (and as such couldn't go to school then.)

We'll see what happens. I have some possiblities pending but chances are I won't have anything firm by Jan 12th. Although a few days off would be delightful. My schedule is going to be nuts until Wednesday when my final is but I will be back. I'm stressed so I'm going to need to exercise (when I finally get some time to breathe.)

Hope everything's well with my buddies.

(3 commentaires)

25 novembre 2010

So Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans. (And happy um... Thursday to the rest of you.)

The turkey breast is in my oven and wine is in my glass. I'm thankful today for many things (the turkey and wine the least of them) although it's a bit of a sad Thanksgiving for me. I found out yesterday at work that my contract is up on Jan 12th and won't be extended. I have a chance at another contract or job elsewhere in the company but after how much I've done and how much I've poured into this it hurts. I know it's not me, they made sure to tell me it wasn't me and that it was solely a budget issue. Still, it's bummed me out. I do still have the option of overtime until then so I'm going in tomorrow (even though we're technically "closed") because I need to bank enough cash.

Right now I'm registered for full-time for next semester as the job ends the week before the semester starts. I don't know if I'll really go full-time this spring but I'm probably going to do heavy full time unless I get something lined up before then. I'll be back on track because I need to either lose about 20lbs or gain back the 40 I've lost to fit into either of my interview suits. I'm leaning toward losing the 20, obviously.

Affirmations for today:
1) Sometimes things don't work out the way you planned but that doesn't mean that they can't still be good

2) There's a lot to be thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving but all year round

3) Setbacks are temporary, being awesome is permanent

4) Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your body, change your life.

(5 commentaires)

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